The Story Behind Our Boundaries

Often, discussing boundaries comes with discomfort. It is not uncommon for worries to accompany setting boundaries, especially if there is a story within us related to boundaries (or lack thereof) in our nervous system. 

What do I mean by this? Attachment behaviors form procedurally (interaction by interaction overtime). Our nervous system collects data from these interactions to make sense of relationships and creates what we refer to as a “working model.” Think of the working model as a script that tells the story of what to expect in a relationship. 

Even though research has found many benefits of boundaries within relationships, setting boundaries for ourselves is a layered experience. In fact, boundaries have been found to be associated with improved communication, decreases in conflict, and increases in self-esteem. Nonetheless, setting boundaries for ourselves often is a reflection of the attachment style we have with ourself. If our relationships in life have lacked boundaries, we can question if we deserve them, if they are rude, fear the other individual’s reaction, or even fear the ending of the relationship altogether! We are certainly a part of that story, but so are the other people we have experienced relationship with. If boundaries were never formed, encouraged, or respected-they can feel threatening, unsafe, and trigger feelings of rejection and/or abandonment. Depending on the attachment styles our nervous system has experienced, the story around boundaries can vary widely. 

This evening, I invite you to reflect on the story your boundaries tell. Not only with others, but within yourself. That’s it. I know I usually provide lots of reflection prompts, but as mentioned, this topic is layered. If it feels safe to do so, peel them back, take a look, and sit with your story. 

Be mindful, lead with love, & don’t forget to listen. 

Dr. C

What is the Story of Your Nervous System?

Working in trauma, grief, and attachment requires a framework of understanding people through the story of their nervous system. You see, it is our nervous system that has been collecting data our whole lives that determines our emotional, behavioral, and cognitive experiences. Our nervous system holds the story of our life experiences-including the good, the bad, and the ugly. 

Have you ever thought about yourself in this way? What is the story of your nervous system? How does your body respond in times of stress, love, excitement, fear, or rejection (to name a few)? How do you respond to being needed by another person? In contrast, how do you respond when someone doesn’t need you? What do you do when someone expresses emotion in front of you? What about when you show emotion in front of others? These are all questions that our nervous system answers.

Learning the story of our nervous system is an overwhelming process. Acknowledging relationships and experiences that were significant in our lives is often heavy and emotionally intense. I find we often want so badly to tell ourselves that things didn’t matter “that much,” or that we’ve “moved on,” or that “it all happened so long ago I was a kid.” We have the same nervous system our whole lives. It’s always taking in data and that data gets encoded into our emotional, behavioral, and cognitive functioning, at any age. As much as I wish this was true, age is not relevant. Even experiences that occur before we can even talk are influential to our nervous system. 

Today I invite you to go through the questions I’ve posed throughout today’s message. Take some time and think about the story of your nervous system. Consider what life events and relationships make up the chapters to the story. And, as an added challenge-I invite you to start perceiving the people in your lives through a similar lens. While you may not know the story of their nervous system and the intimate details involved, it can do a wonder for our relationships if we simply practice being curious, rather than being immediately judgmental. When a person in your life has a reaction that stands out to you, I invited you to remind yourself, they too have a story.

Be mindful, lead with love, and don’t forget to listen. 

Dr. C

What Would Happen If We Got Real With Grief?

For an experience that we all go through as humans on earth, I continuously find the available resources on grief insufficient. What do I mean by this? I often am left with a feeling of annoyance that grief support is always wrapped up in flowery undertones. I regularly say to myself “Has the person who created this actually experienced loss of a loved one?” I never feel like it’s raw and real enough to grasp what we actually go through living life with grief. There is a break in the system.

Am I alone in this?

To me, grief is fucking hard. It’s messy, scary, unfamiliar, confusing, and shitty. Why don’t we say that more? Grief is fucking hard and it’s shitty. It has no timeline and does what it is going to do. How are we suppose to process and regulate the intense emotions involved in grief, if we are bombarded by an unrealistic portrayal of them?

Now, before you come for me and this opinion-it is not lost on me why. I get that humans are uncomfortable with distress and we would prefer to be uncomfortable for the shortest amount of time possible-or avoid it altogether. The problem is, that isn’t grief. Grief isn’t comfortable. Grief doesn’t follow rules or fit nicely in a box. Grief is not a construct designed by Hallmark, it’s a real-ass tough life experience. When we find ourselves in the thick of grief, I think we are often angered by the lack of depth of the conversations and support we receive. 

Do you think these things are related? Do you think the continuous flowery undertones enable the cycle of insufficient support? Do you think that if we started actually realistically describing grief out loud and sharing our experiences that it would change what support looks like? This is a place mentally I go often. Pondering and wondering how in the safety of our meaningful relationships, we could change the narrative. Attachment is kind of my thing, I believe relationships are a crucial point in healing. I believe magic happens when we are willing to be uncomfortable (safely of course). 

Today I invite you to reflect on the conversations you’ve had in your life around grief and ponder with me on the following prompts:

How many conversations about grief have I had?

How would I describe my experience of grief?

What sentiments have brought me comfort in grief?

What do I wish more people knew about grief, based on my experience?

What needs to be said out loud more?

Be mindful, lead with love, and don’t forget to listen. 

Dr. C

Defending protects & blinds us from our wounds

How often do you take feedback from others? 

What are you willing to admit you need to work on in your relationships?

How aware are you of people’s experience of you in relationships?

Are there things that are patterns across relationships that others have told you?

Are there specific relationships that seem to be the only spaces where you have difficulty?

These are just a few examples of reflective self-work prompts. As we develop and grow, we don’t always take the time to reflect on our relationship data. We often take the time to think about our own experiences, but what about how others receive and experience us? 

From both a trauma-informed and attachment-based lens, this is important data. How others experience us is intimate and important information. Now, to be clear-this is not a recommendation to live your life according to others or to be a people pleaser or to be hyper focused on being what other people want. Not at all. This is a recommendation to consider how the people in our lives that we love dearly experience us. This is a conversation to apply to safe and trusted relationships in our lives.

How others experience us is often different from how we see ourselves. As humans, we are used to who we think we are and the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves. Read that sentence again. Sometimes, as a result of trauma or strained attachment relationships, our perspective can get skewed and we can even find ourselves in denial about how we come across to others. Experiences related to trauma, grief, and attachment involve very intense emotions. Our nervous system will seek ways of being in relationship that feel or give the illusion of feeling protection, even if those behaviors cause strain in our relationships. Take example anger. Boy oh boy, will we defend our righteousness to be angry. We will give a whole speech about why we are right and why that anger was warranted- often without ever stepping into a space of reflection to understand truly what is bothering us. And then we will double down when a loved one brings it to our attention-completely losing out on a moment to acknowledge what is happening inside the relationship and someone else’s experience of us. Another one is control. Anyone willing to admit this is a space they cling onto with the jaws of life? Control is a natural response to trauma. It also gives us the illusion of safety. While it may provide that illusion, it makes our relationships tough. 

When we are so focused on defending ourselves, we often are not available to receive feedback. **Again-this is within the context of safe, meaningful, and loving relationships.** When we are not available to receive feedback, we are contributing to the strain in our relationships. We are communicating back to the relationship that we aren’t safe and need to self-protect through defending. By deciding defending ourselves is the most important thing, we also rob ourselves of safe but difficult conversations. Working through receiving feedback in safe spaces not only helps us better understand where our wounds are, it also validates that the relationship truly is a safe place. Not only that, it allows for personal growth. That’s the thing about safety, it lowers the need for self-protection-if we will let it. 

I encourage you to return to the questions above and spend some time. 

Be mindful, lead with love, and don’t forget to listen. 

Dr. C

Ping Pong

A really unhelpful question we humans can berate ourselves with in response to terminal news is, “Would it be better if I didn’t know?” Faced with holding the knowledge that you or someone you love has a terminal illness, we will search our thoughts in desperation for relief. Like a never ending game of ping pong, we find ourselves fantasizing that it may have somehow been better to not know and be taken by surprise by death. Aside from that question being unhelpful, it is also question we can never truly answer. Although our anxiety makes us believe the fantasy would be somehow different, that’s all it is-a fantasy. 

I specifically use the word desperation when referring to asking ourselves these types of questions. Let’s call it what it is. When we are faced with the unimaginable, we are desperate for relief. We so badly want to believe there is a world in which this process would be easier. A wild thought if we take a moment to really dissect it. We desperately want to find a version of life where losing someone we love isn’t painful. As much as we all wished that was the case, losing our loved ones involves pain.

Although this game of ping pong may be labeled by some (by me) as unhelpful, I dare also say it is a game that is comforting. Yes, two (or more) things can be true at the same time. To engage in a world where the process of death would somehow be less painful, even if this world is fantasy, can bring relief. How? It serves as a temporary escape and distraction from the current pain we are saturated in. It also gives us a sense of control, which is important to our brains and how it functions. Perceived control is not only comforting, it’s regulating. Although there might not be an answer to end the game of ping pong, it can feel good to play for a little while. 

As with most things, there is a balance to how often to engage in this game. It’s an enticing game that can be comforting and keep us disengaged from the present moment. That disengagement may feel good temporarily, but disengagement does exactly what it says in it’s name-it disengages us from the present. Escaping is attractive when the present moment is unbearable. We are only human, which means we are limited to our capacities. When our nervous system senses these capacities are tapped, it looks for relief. It’s tough to continue to face pain day after day and we can make the mistake that avoidance is the best route. Avoidance may temporarily relieve us, but it also robs us of all of the other aspects to the relationship we are grieving. We forget that in the midst of that pain is so much love and we can convince ourselves the two cannot exist together. It’s a convincing lie; a lie so convincing that we often believe it and turn away. Today’s message is a reminder that although that may feel true, it is not. The relationships you may be grieving are filled with so much more. And while pain may now be a part of the interaction in the relationship, I encourage you to not let it be the definer. I encourage you to be present and to remind yourself of other emotions that coexist in the midst of pain. Love, humor, anger, excitement, and delight are just a few that come to mind. 

If you’re new here, I don’t always tie things up nicely in a bow. Mostly because the work I do in trauma, grief, and attachment doesn’t come with bows. Instead I offer reflection and encouragement to feel the unsettling, to engage in the present moment even if it’s hard, and to allow yourself to play whatever your own version of ping pong is from time to time. It’s ok to need breaks, it’s ok to be overwhelmed, it’s ok to be in pain. The goal is to try and balance acceptance and allowance of these terrible feelings, while also encouraging ourselves to engage in the relationship.

Below are some reflections to support this process:

What emotions are involved in my grief other than pain?

How do I know when I’m overwhelmed and need to take a break?

Do I find myself avoiding the relationship?

Is my version of ping pong different or similar to the one described above?

Be mindful, lead with love, and don’t forget to listen. 

Dr. C

The Terrible, Awful, and Overwhelming: Helplessness in the midst of traumatic experiences

I had an idea already planned for today’s message. I was going to talk about distress tolerance in relationships. An important and interesting topic, however; some things in my life brought another issue to the forefront. How freaking awful it is to feel helpless. 

My areas of expertise focus on trauma, grief, and attachment. All of which have an element of helplessness because these are all areas of life that happen to us. Life does not ask us permission, nor does it check in on how these events will impact us. Traumatic experiences happen to us, without notice, without permission.

The thing about humans is that we like predictability, consistency, and routine. Familiarity is a comfort to the brain and nervous system. When we encounter traumatic experiences, one factor, among many, that is distressing is the factor of lack of control. It’s really a mind f*** to process the idea that something significantly scary, threatening, and devastating can happen and there isn’t anything we can do about it. The human brain doesn’t like that, and it’s common protective response is anxiety. We start having obsessive thoughts, overly focusing on every detail, running “alternative reality” versions in our heads, and engaging in rigid/compulsive behaviors. Why? Because all of these things are the human attempt at feeling control in the midst of the terrible, awful, and overwhelming nature of helplessness. 

While we need to give ourselves grace when those anxiety thoughts and behaviors come our way; we need to also remember these control-seeking behaviors do not change what is happening in our lives. They are attempts at distraction and coping, often through avoidance. So, if you find yourself tasking or overthinking, welcome to the club of being human. These reactions are to be expected in responses to traumatic experiences. 

So, what’s the takeaway? I think it’s about understanding normative responses to trauma. If we can see something as human, it can make it a bit easier to approach, understand, and ultimately challenge. If you find yourself engaging in these anxiety behaviors, after first reminding yourself that you are human, here are something you could do to support your brain and nervous system to combat the terrible, awful, and overwhelming nature of helplessness. 

Rather than avoiding it, I invite you to:

-Pay attention to your senses: What are you seeing? Smelling? Hearing? Tasting? Touching?

-Lay down flat on the floor, put your hands over your belly, and slowly take breaths in and out (make sure when you breathe in your belly inflates and when you breathe out that it deflates)

-Go on a walk

-Engage in a safe relationship

-Stretch

-Develop a mantra of soothing self-talk 

-Scan your body- slowly scan from the top of your head to the tips of your toes, with each section-acknowledge what you notice, breathe deeply several rounds, and then move to the next section.

Be mindful, lead with love, and don’t forget to listen. 

Dr. C

Think About How You Think

A common part of therapy is identifying how we think. Exploring our thoughts helps to identify patterns that may be problematic and adding to symptoms of conditions such as anxiety and depression. Doing this sort of exploration is often eye-opening, as it can reveal the framework our mind applies to the things we experience. Often these frameworks are distorted but feel real and accurate to us nonetheless.

For example, a common problematic thought pattern is referred to as dichotomous or “black-and-white” thinking. This pattern is rigid, and assigns things into two categories such as good/bad, yes/no, right/wrong, all/nothing. They are called problematic or distorted because they are riddled with mistakes. Take black-and-white thinking- if we only look at things through that lens-we completely miss any compromising, middle ground, or duality. Problematic thought patterns not only increase anxiety and depressive symptoms, they also make it more difficult to cope/regulate through distressing emotions.

While this sort of identification of thought patterns is common in therapy modalities that are cognitive focused, the conversation goes a bit deeper when working through an attachment-informed approach. When I am working with clients, not only do I focus on identifying problematic thought patterns; I also focus on identifying the relationships that influenced them.

You see, the meaningful relationships in our lives influence how our brains perceive things. For instance, if we grew up with a caregiver that was very black-and-white in their thinking, we can find ourselves also adopting that strategy. Thought patters are learned in the brain overtime, and they will feel natural and automatic. It isn’t until we step back, reflect, and examine how we think, that we can identify where distortions show up. Often these thought patterns also align with how we felt our emotions were handled by our caregivers. Did you grow up with some emotions being labeled as good and others as bad? Did you have a caregiver that ignored the details/context to your emotions and instead responded with a “this is right and that is wrong” mentality? Our thought patterns not only influence how we think, they influence how we feel, and how we respond to both ourselves and to others!

Similar to attachment styles, our thought patterns are also capable of change with consistent investment and effort. Today I invite you to sit with this black-and-white thinking example a bit more. Is this something you can relate to? Here are some reflective prompts to support diving in a little deeper!

How did my caregiver(s) respond to my emotions?

Did I agree with how my caregiver(s) responded to my emotions?

What did my caregiver(s) misunderstand or fail to see in my times of distress?

When I experience more distressing feelings, like anxiety or depression-do I apply this pattern? (right/wrong, all/nothing, good/bad, yes/no)

How does black-and-white thinking influence my relationship with others?

How does black-and-white thinking influence how I respond to my own emotions?

Be mindful, lead with love, and don’t forget to listen.

Dr. C

Notice I didn’t say was: A love letter to a grieving soul

Dear grieving soul,

Grief comes with so many realizations, it transforms us both inwardly and outwardly. As you are reading this, you may not even feel like you know who you are. While that in and of itself can be unnerving, it’s a signal of how significant the one you are grieving is to your sense of self. Notice I didn’t say was.

I bet you never realized just how uncomfortable the rest of the world around you is with intense emotions until now. Have you found yourself completely annoyed and dreading encounters with others? Have you found the space to laugh at the ridiculous things people say? Perhaps you are desperately waiting for a single other human to just fucking get it. Grief brings a magnifying glass to how unequipped most are at holding space for things that are intense, uncomfortable, and that don’t have a clear “fix.” The fact that there isn’t an easy fix or words that bring much comfort is that same signal. The signal of how significant the one your are grieving is to your sense of self. Notice I didn’t say was.

Our brains work so hard to make sense of our lives and experiences, especially the ones that accompany intense emotions. One of the ways our brains try to help us when things are overwhelming is to organize and create a story line. Our brains work to think of and discover the hows and whys in effort to navigate what is going on around us. It’s typically a good strategy, until it comes against grief. Often, there aren’t answers to our questions in our loss. We are left here living with sometimes no answers or if we do get them, they fall short in comparison to the pain. The answers we do have so often are insufficient and leave us angry and well-aware that answers be damned, it isn’t fair. Having to live life with loss isn’t fair and the fact the brain’s typical strategy falls short is yet another signal of how significant the one you are grieving is to your sense of self. Notice I didn’t say was.

Grief is a complicated ride to say the least. It can influence how we think, what we want to do, create fears, boil up anger, change our priorities, and introduce guilt and doubt-just to name a few. Because of this, it is only human that we desire for it all to go away and meet these differing emotions with resistance. It’s in this resistance that we are the most desperate for control. The thing about grief though, is it isn’t something to be controlled. It is something that lives with us throughout our lifespan after loss. Grief is organic, subject to change, surprising, sometimes silly, sometimes painful, and sometimes down right exhausting. While on this ride, grieving soul, remind yourself that each twist and turn is a signal of how significant the one your are grieving is to your sense of self. Notice I didn’t say was.

Grieving soul, as you put one foot in front of the next, I hope this letter will serve as a reminder to engage with your grief. It is present and will continue to be. The intensity may change, but the loss of someone significant to your sense of self is a loss we feel infinitely. Your grief will likely morph and feel differently at different timepoints in your life, but it will likely always bring certain emotions back to the forefront. Grief does not go away because we don’t have all the answers, because it isn’t fair, because people don’t know what to say, or because we desire to resist. As you take each step in living life with loss, remember the relationship with the one you’ve lost continues too.

Grief is. Not was.

Be mindful, lead with love, and don’t forget to listen.

Dr. C

When Life Keeps Going For Everyone Else, Trauma & Grief Completely Halts Your Own

If you know anything about me, it’s hard for me to have a conversation about what I do without acknowledging both gratitude and privilege. In my private practice, I specialize in trauma, grief, and attachment-all extremely intimate areas of life to be invited into. These privileged relationships I have with clients are often started in the thick of unimaginable, terrible, indescribable life circumstances. These privileged relationships originate in the midst of experiences such as the loss of a loved one, a chronic and/or terminal illness, or becoming a parent to a medically complex child.

In the thick of things and in the immediate time afterward, it is not uncommon for social support systems to be active. This is the time that people tend to jump in-checking in frequently via texts/phone calls, setting up fundraisers, offering help with transportation, and  volunteering to provide meals. These acts of service are important and vital in the midst of the unimaginable, terrible, and indescribable. The reality is, more is often needed.

Slowly but surely, social support systems find themselves back to business as usual. Everyone else’s life continues on, despite trauma and grief being anything but over for those experiencing it. Not only do social support systems return back to baseline, the rest of the world also continues to go on. It is not uncommon for the texts/phone calls to slow down, the fundraisers to diminish, offers for rides to stop, and meals to no longer show up at the door. And of course those things happen, because life goes on. The problem is, trauma and grief don’t follow that tight of a timeline. Trauma and grief aren’t just present in the moment of the event, they linger for much much longer, sometimes indefinitely.

Today’s message is a message of acknowledgement and remembering. Acknowledgement that as people, we can often be so great in the moment of crisis, and struggle to uphold what the situation truly calls for long-term. The length of an individual’s/family’s world halting is unique and does not fit into a nice structured timeline. This is an especially important message for those of us that live in the United States, a country that pushes hyperindependence and convenience. Trauma and grief are not convenient and serving those in our lives experiencing them is also not always convenient. Today’s message is also about remembering. Inviting us to hold the trauma and grief of the people in our lives in mind and not to forget simply because life goes on. There is power in remembering. Why? Because while the rest of the world returns to baseline and business as usual, it feels like everyone has forgotten. It’s a specific set of emotions that comes with feeling like you are the only one that remembers. Isolation, pain, and anger to name a few. So, today is about acknowledging and remembering. Choosing to do an inconvenient act of service is choosing to remember and acknowledge, rather than to treat life as normal. Because, life after trauma and grief is not normal. I invite you today to take some time and think about your people and community while reflecting on the prompts below.

 Who are the people in your life that could use some acts of service?

When in life have you been a social support system toward someone going through a tough time?

What indicates to you when a friend/family could use an act of service?

What does acknowledging and remembering look like to you in your relationships?

Be mindful, lead with love, & don’t forget to listen.

Dr. Cunningham

Anger: Protection at the risk of collateral damage

Set the stage with me. We’ve all been there. When what we had in mind for a conversation, well; the exact opposite happened. Although there was every intention to keep our cool, stay level-headed, and communicate the way we practiced in our head…..the interaction brought out something entirely different.

As frustrating and disappointing as this is when it happens, it’s human. Interactions that involve tension, aggression, and intensity can make it difficult to stay regulated. Not to mention if the relationship has preexisting trauma within it. If that’s the case, anger can be sitting right beneath the surface, on-call, and ready to jump in at a moment’s notice. Our nervous system works so hard to take care of us. Even if it is at the risk of damaging our relationships. How exactly does our nervous system protect us in these difficult interactions? Anger. And don’t get me wrong- you may be thinking to yourself “Well, don’t I deserve to get angry?” or “Dr. C if you knew what they did you’d be mad too!” Of course you deserve to feel anger. Today’s conversation isn’t about that empowering anger that fuels us to stand up for ourselves-no, no, no-today we are talking about the anger that gets the best of us and results in hurting the people we love.

It all happens so fast. The calm and collected version of ourselves is so quickly replaced by yelling, rudeness, and overall defensiveness. This is the part where I repeat, we’ve all been there-to remind both myself and you that this happens. I know I need the reminder because it can feel icky to acknowledge that part of myself.

So what flips the switch? How can something go so differently than how we intended it to go? Typically the answer is anger. Anger is interesting…..fascinating really. It’s an expressive emotion-it takes up space and is accompanied by notable behaviors. Take a moment here to think about how you display your anger. Does it show up in your tone? Body language? Criticism? The thing is though, when it comes to anger-what we see on the outside is often covering up what is happening on the inside. Anger you see, is referred to as a secondary emotion. Secondary emotions show up as a result of feeling something else first (the ones that come first are called primary emotions). Now remember, I said this all happens so fast. When we get angry-we just feel angry-we don’t always realize that it’s coming out because we are first internally feeling something more vulnerable.

What are some of the more vulnerable emotions that anger comes to protect? I’m glad you asked: sadness, worry, fear, disappointment, loss, and discouragement to name a few. All of these emotions, by the way, can and do occur in our meaningful relationships with the people we love.  Today also isn’t about solving it. We will tackle that in a later blog. Mostly because we cannot tackle something we don’t know or recognize. So, today is about getting to know the anger that shows up with your loved ones.

If it feels safe enough to do so, return back to that stage you set at the start of this. Here are some starter reflections to support you getting to know your anger. With increased awareness and understanding-we can then start to problem-solve how to allow that anger to be felt while minimizing collateral damage to those we love.

In what relationships does my anger come out?

Can I identify the underlying (primary) emotions involved (remember-things like fear, sadness, disappointment, loss)?

How do I show my anger toward others?

What is my own comfort with feeling vulnerable?

 Be mindful, lead with love, and don’t forget to listen.

 Dr. Cunningham

I said leave me alone, why didn’t you stay?

We all can relate can’t we? The moment when someone asks if we are alright and with our words we say “I’m fine!” but with our behavior we show we are the opposite of fine. Guarded body language, lack of eye contact, short responses, irritable tone of voice-despite our words, our behavior often tells the true story. In the world of attachment, we refer to this as a miscue in a relationship. Rather than appropriately cuing that we are in fact not fine, we lie. If this has happened to you, well; welcome to being human.

Why do we miscue? A lot of reasons. Lack of safety, insecurity, doubt we will get our needs met, fear we will be dismissed, our own discomfort with vulnerability-just to name a few. Miscuing is a form of self-protection. A bit ironic right? In order to protect ourselves from the pain of not getting our emotional needs met, we lie about our emotional needs-which only ups the ante that they won’t get met.

I want to give a disclaimer here-this conversation is intended for the meaningful and trusted relationships in our lives. I am specifically referring to miscuing within our meaningful relationships, because there are certainly reasons to miscue in other interactions (for example an interaction at work or with a stranger). This is directed specifically at the relationships in our lives we have decided are meaningful.

The thing is-meaningful unfortunately does not always equal safe. I’m going to say (write?) that again: meaningful does not always equal safe. As mentioned above, a reason we may miscue is the lack of safety/security that our needs will get met. If we’ve decided a relationship is meaningful, and we find ourselves miscuing-what about that relationship is lacking that would make us feel more secure/safe to accurately cue our emotional needs?

This is where some good reflection and time with ourselves can be so helpful. When we miscue, are we doing so because the relationship has failed us? Do we have data that this person has continuously failed to meet our needs (I say continuously because we all do and will miss the mark in our meaningful relationships)? Are we miscuing because we fell into the human pattern of projecting past experiences of pain onto our current relationships? Have we had conversations with the people we have meaningful relationships with to teach them about what makes us feel safe? This is worth repeating as well: relationships require us to teach one another. Let’s normalize teaching the people we love what we need!

It gets even more tricky though, because before we can teach someone else what we need, we need to know what we need. Holding ourselves accountable for how previous experiences have impacted us is part of the work that safe relationships require. And let’s talk a quick minute about being on the other side here. In the meaningful relationships in our lives-do we know when our loved ones are miscuing? Have we learned what their needs are? Do we pay attention to the behaviors of our loved one as much as we do their words? As much as we want our loved ones to meet our needs-we’ve got to hold ourselves to the same standards.

Relationships are tricky and we won’t always get it right. The goal is not perfection, the goal is safety. Here are some reflections to support building safety and decreasing miscues in your meaningful relationships:

Are there relationships in your life that come to mind when you think about miscuing?

What are the reasons that contribute to you miscuing in your relationships?

Do you tend to miscue certain emotions (for example embarrassment or worry) more than others (for example happiness or excitement)?

Are there past relationship experiences that make it hard to feel safe in current relationships?

Be mindful, lead with love, and don’t forget to listen.

Dr. Cunningham