What Would Happen If We Got Real With Grief?

For an experience that we all go through as humans on earth, I continuously find the available resources on grief insufficient. What do I mean by this? I often am left with a feeling of annoyance that grief support is always wrapped up in flowery undertones. I regularly say to myself “Has the person who created this actually experienced loss of a loved one?” I never feel like it’s raw and real enough to grasp what we actually go through living life with grief. There is a break in the system.

Am I alone in this?

To me, grief is fucking hard. It’s messy, scary, unfamiliar, confusing, and shitty. Why don’t we say that more? Grief is fucking hard and it’s shitty. It has no timeline and does what it is going to do. How are we suppose to process and regulate the intense emotions involved in grief, if we are bombarded by an unrealistic portrayal of them?

Now, before you come for me and this opinion-it is not lost on me why. I get that humans are uncomfortable with distress and we would prefer to be uncomfortable for the shortest amount of time possible-or avoid it altogether. The problem is, that isn’t grief. Grief isn’t comfortable. Grief doesn’t follow rules or fit nicely in a box. Grief is not a construct designed by Hallmark, it’s a real-ass tough life experience. When we find ourselves in the thick of grief, I think we are often angered by the lack of depth of the conversations and support we receive. 

Do you think these things are related? Do you think the continuous flowery undertones enable the cycle of insufficient support? Do you think that if we started actually realistically describing grief out loud and sharing our experiences that it would change what support looks like? This is a place mentally I go often. Pondering and wondering how in the safety of our meaningful relationships, we could change the narrative. Attachment is kind of my thing, I believe relationships are a crucial point in healing. I believe magic happens when we are willing to be uncomfortable (safely of course). 

Today I invite you to reflect on the conversations you’ve had in your life around grief and ponder with me on the following prompts:

How many conversations about grief have I had?

How would I describe my experience of grief?

What sentiments have brought me comfort in grief?

What do I wish more people knew about grief, based on my experience?

What needs to be said out loud more?

Be mindful, lead with love, and don’t forget to listen. 

Dr. C

Notice I didn’t say was: A love letter to a grieving soul

Dear grieving soul,

Grief comes with so many realizations, it transforms us both inwardly and outwardly. As you are reading this, you may not even feel like you know who you are. While that in and of itself can be unnerving, it’s a signal of how significant the one you are grieving is to your sense of self. Notice I didn’t say was.

I bet you never realized just how uncomfortable the rest of the world around you is with intense emotions until now. Have you found yourself completely annoyed and dreading encounters with others? Have you found the space to laugh at the ridiculous things people say? Perhaps you are desperately waiting for a single other human to just fucking get it. Grief brings a magnifying glass to how unequipped most are at holding space for things that are intense, uncomfortable, and that don’t have a clear “fix.” The fact that there isn’t an easy fix or words that bring much comfort is that same signal. The signal of how significant the one your are grieving is to your sense of self. Notice I didn’t say was.

Our brains work so hard to make sense of our lives and experiences, especially the ones that accompany intense emotions. One of the ways our brains try to help us when things are overwhelming is to organize and create a story line. Our brains work to think of and discover the hows and whys in effort to navigate what is going on around us. It’s typically a good strategy, until it comes against grief. Often, there aren’t answers to our questions in our loss. We are left here living with sometimes no answers or if we do get them, they fall short in comparison to the pain. The answers we do have so often are insufficient and leave us angry and well-aware that answers be damned, it isn’t fair. Having to live life with loss isn’t fair and the fact the brain’s typical strategy falls short is yet another signal of how significant the one you are grieving is to your sense of self. Notice I didn’t say was.

Grief is a complicated ride to say the least. It can influence how we think, what we want to do, create fears, boil up anger, change our priorities, and introduce guilt and doubt-just to name a few. Because of this, it is only human that we desire for it all to go away and meet these differing emotions with resistance. It’s in this resistance that we are the most desperate for control. The thing about grief though, is it isn’t something to be controlled. It is something that lives with us throughout our lifespan after loss. Grief is organic, subject to change, surprising, sometimes silly, sometimes painful, and sometimes down right exhausting. While on this ride, grieving soul, remind yourself that each twist and turn is a signal of how significant the one your are grieving is to your sense of self. Notice I didn’t say was.

Grieving soul, as you put one foot in front of the next, I hope this letter will serve as a reminder to engage with your grief. It is present and will continue to be. The intensity may change, but the loss of someone significant to your sense of self is a loss we feel infinitely. Your grief will likely morph and feel differently at different timepoints in your life, but it will likely always bring certain emotions back to the forefront. Grief does not go away because we don’t have all the answers, because it isn’t fair, because people don’t know what to say, or because we desire to resist. As you take each step in living life with loss, remember the relationship with the one you’ve lost continues too.

Grief is. Not was.

Be mindful, lead with love, and don’t forget to listen.

Dr. C

When Life Keeps Going For Everyone Else, Trauma & Grief Completely Halts Your Own

If you know anything about me, it’s hard for me to have a conversation about what I do without acknowledging both gratitude and privilege. In my private practice, I specialize in trauma, grief, and attachment-all extremely intimate areas of life to be invited into. These privileged relationships I have with clients are often started in the thick of unimaginable, terrible, indescribable life circumstances. These privileged relationships originate in the midst of experiences such as the loss of a loved one, a chronic and/or terminal illness, or becoming a parent to a medically complex child.

In the thick of things and in the immediate time afterward, it is not uncommon for social support systems to be active. This is the time that people tend to jump in-checking in frequently via texts/phone calls, setting up fundraisers, offering help with transportation, and  volunteering to provide meals. These acts of service are important and vital in the midst of the unimaginable, terrible, and indescribable. The reality is, more is often needed.

Slowly but surely, social support systems find themselves back to business as usual. Everyone else’s life continues on, despite trauma and grief being anything but over for those experiencing it. Not only do social support systems return back to baseline, the rest of the world also continues to go on. It is not uncommon for the texts/phone calls to slow down, the fundraisers to diminish, offers for rides to stop, and meals to no longer show up at the door. And of course those things happen, because life goes on. The problem is, trauma and grief don’t follow that tight of a timeline. Trauma and grief aren’t just present in the moment of the event, they linger for much much longer, sometimes indefinitely.

Today’s message is a message of acknowledgement and remembering. Acknowledgement that as people, we can often be so great in the moment of crisis, and struggle to uphold what the situation truly calls for long-term. The length of an individual’s/family’s world halting is unique and does not fit into a nice structured timeline. This is an especially important message for those of us that live in the United States, a country that pushes hyperindependence and convenience. Trauma and grief are not convenient and serving those in our lives experiencing them is also not always convenient. Today’s message is also about remembering. Inviting us to hold the trauma and grief of the people in our lives in mind and not to forget simply because life goes on. There is power in remembering. Why? Because while the rest of the world returns to baseline and business as usual, it feels like everyone has forgotten. It’s a specific set of emotions that comes with feeling like you are the only one that remembers. Isolation, pain, and anger to name a few. So, today is about acknowledging and remembering. Choosing to do an inconvenient act of service is choosing to remember and acknowledge, rather than to treat life as normal. Because, life after trauma and grief is not normal. I invite you today to take some time and think about your people and community while reflecting on the prompts below.

 Who are the people in your life that could use some acts of service?

When in life have you been a social support system toward someone going through a tough time?

What indicates to you when a friend/family could use an act of service?

What does acknowledging and remembering look like to you in your relationships?

Be mindful, lead with love, & don’t forget to listen.

Dr. Cunningham