The Story Behind Our Boundaries

Often, discussing boundaries comes with discomfort. It is not uncommon for worries to accompany setting boundaries, especially if there is a story within us related to boundaries (or lack thereof) in our nervous system. 

What do I mean by this? Attachment behaviors form procedurally (interaction by interaction overtime). Our nervous system collects data from these interactions to make sense of relationships and creates what we refer to as a “working model.” Think of the working model as a script that tells the story of what to expect in a relationship. 

Even though research has found many benefits of boundaries within relationships, setting boundaries for ourselves is a layered experience. In fact, boundaries have been found to be associated with improved communication, decreases in conflict, and increases in self-esteem. Nonetheless, setting boundaries for ourselves often is a reflection of the attachment style we have with ourself. If our relationships in life have lacked boundaries, we can question if we deserve them, if they are rude, fear the other individual’s reaction, or even fear the ending of the relationship altogether! We are certainly a part of that story, but so are the other people we have experienced relationship with. If boundaries were never formed, encouraged, or respected-they can feel threatening, unsafe, and trigger feelings of rejection and/or abandonment. Depending on the attachment styles our nervous system has experienced, the story around boundaries can vary widely. 

This evening, I invite you to reflect on the story your boundaries tell. Not only with others, but within yourself. That’s it. I know I usually provide lots of reflection prompts, but as mentioned, this topic is layered. If it feels safe to do so, peel them back, take a look, and sit with your story. 

Be mindful, lead with love, & don’t forget to listen. 

Dr. C