The Story Behind Our Boundaries
This evening, Dr. C talks about boundaries. She identifies some benefits of healthy boundaries in relationships discovered in research. Dr. C explains that our ability to set boundaries reflects the story of the relationships we've experienced. She invites readers to sit with their story to better understand what boundaries bring up for each of us.
Often, discussing boundaries comes with discomfort. It is not uncommon for worries to accompany setting boundaries, especially if there is a story within us related to boundaries (or lack thereof) in our nervous system.
What do I mean by this? Attachment behaviors form procedurally (interaction by interaction overtime). Our nervous system collects data from these interactions to make sense of relationships and creates what we refer to as a “working model.” Think of the working model as a script that tells the story of what to expect in a relationship.
Even though research has found many benefits of boundaries within relationships, setting boundaries for ourselves is a layered experience. In fact, boundaries have been found to be associated with improved communication, decreases in conflict, and increases in self-esteem. Nonetheless, setting boundaries for ourselves often is a reflection of the attachment style we have with ourself. If our relationships in life have lacked boundaries, we can question if we deserve them, if they are rude, fear the other individual’s reaction, or even fear the ending of the relationship altogether! We are certainly a part of that story, but so are the other people we have experienced relationship with. If boundaries were never formed, encouraged, or respected-they can feel threatening, unsafe, and trigger feelings of rejection and/or abandonment. Depending on the attachment styles our nervous system has experienced, the story around boundaries can vary widely.
This evening, I invite you to reflect on the story your boundaries tell. Not only with others, but within yourself. That’s it. I know I usually provide lots of reflection prompts, but as mentioned, this topic is layered. If it feels safe to do so, peel them back, take a look, and sit with your story.
Be mindful, lead with love, & don’t forget to listen.
Dr. C
How Are You at Listening?
Today Dr. C gets down to business on listening. She discusses the importance of listening on relationships but also highlights benefits for the listener. Dr. C provides a set of questions to help readers assess their listening abilities and encourages regular practice!
Listening is a fascinating concept. So much so, if you search Google Scholar for studies on listening, millions of results are produced. While it is such a widely studied skill, it is something we take for granted every single day. As important as it is, we often fail at it. Not only that, we often don’t even have insight into how poorly we do it. The truth is, listening takes intentional and conscious effort. Listening is a skill, and like any other skill; listening requires practice and prioritization.
When it comes to listening, I can only speak from my cultural lens as someone raised in the United States. In the US, we are not (or very rarely) praised or encouraged for our listening abilities. Rather, we are socialized to focus on OURSELVES. What WE think, what WE want, what WE believe. There is an imbalance in fostering a love for curiosity, learning, and understanding of OTHERS. This is one of the many reasons I am a proponent of citizens of the United States engaging in talk therapy as a way of life-simply because we have very few spaces dedicated to and prioritizing listening. Going back to listening being a skill, how can we perfect a skill we are never exposed to?
You know me, I love a reflective exercise. I’d like for you to take a moment and think about the loved ones in your life. Think about the meaningful relationships in your village. How would you say you do when it comes to truly listening to each of them? Better yet, how would each of them assess you on your ability to listen?
Now, certainly there are very real life stressors and neurological conditions that can influence our ability to listen. ADHD, concussions, and exhaustion are just a few examples. And while we can acknowledge the things that can make listening harder, do we also hold ourselves accountable for things we implement to make listening a conscious priority that we practice? Do we also identify things that make listening easier for us?
Listening is a regulator in our relationships. It serves as a critical factor in feeling understood, acknowledged, and respected by others. In a society that overly pushes hyperindependence and the stroking of the individual ego, we NEED to WORK to counteract those messages. And, it’s not just good for the other person-LISTENING IS GOOD FOR THE LISTENER. It improves empathy, provides clarity, and can increase productivity to name just a few positive outcomes.
Below you will find an exercise I do with my clients, I refer to it as a listening assessment. Take a look and see how you are doing. I encourage you to acknowledge if this is an area that doesn’t come naturally, that is OK! I encourage you to again think about your relationships and how your friends and family would answer the questions on your behalf. Most importantly, I hope that you are encouraged to do the work to place listening as a priority in your meaningful relationships.
What does listening look like? How do I know if I am effectively listening?
Would I consider myself a good listener?
What does it feel like when I am being listened to?
What does it feel like when I am not being listened to?
What helps me focus and be an effective listener?
What gets in the way of me listening?
Do I often interrupt others?
How much of my conversations with friends and family are focused solely on me?
How often do I take control of the conversations I am in?
Be mindful, lead with love, & don’t forget to listen.
Dr. C