Calling Ourselves Out

Now, before we even get started today, talking about our own human tendencies can be tough and often triggers defensiveness. As you read today’s message, remind yourself that you are human. To my clients-I know you are rolling your eyes because I say this frequently, but it is always worth repeating. Welcome to being human.

When we experience anxiety, a common response is to further protect ourselves. Unfortunately, we often do that by yelling, rudeness, and spewing hurtful comments. Other times we can totally ice out the other persons involved, giving doses of the silent treatment. Because our own nervous system senses it’s under attack, we go to battle. This not only reinforces and strengthens are anxiety, but it’s not so great for our relationships either. 

One part of being human that seems to show up for most (if not all) of us-is that we can so quickly forget our loved ones are on our side when anxiety is activated. This intensifies even more so when we’ve experienced relationships that mishandled our emotional safety. When anxiety is present, we often feel we are on our own-even if we are in currently in safe relationships. 

Today’s message was titled, “Calling Ourselves Out,” and here is my pitch for accountability. Our emotion regulation and our meaningful relationships benefit immensely when we can feel tough stuff without turning against one another. I know, I know, -easier said than done Dr. C. That’s true, it isn’t easy-but it is worth it. In the midst of safe relationships-the more we can learn our triggers, challenge ourselves to anchor back to the present moment, and hold in mind we are safe-the better not only our regulation but our relationships. Being able to come alongside and process a tough emotion as a team, rather than opponents, strengthens intimacy, trust, and most importantly safety. 

So, today I ask-is this something to call yourself on? Do you find yourself turning to battle even in the midst of safety? Are you willing to work on catching it in the moment? If so, here are some reflective prompts to guide this work. As you do, maybe I’ll annoyingly be in your head saying “Welcome to being human.”

What triggers my anxiety?

How do I respond to my loved ones when I’m anxious?

What would it be like to feel anxious with my loved ones’ support, rather than pushing them away to self-protect?

Be mindful, lead with love, and don’t forget to listen. 

Dr. C

What’s on Your Playlist for Your Mental Health?

Today I want to start off with an exercise. I am going to list some basic emotions below and want you to think about what song comes to mind when you think of each one.

Scared

Happy

Heartbroken

Excited

Angry

Did certain songs come to your mind right away? Were there emotions that stumped you? When thinking about the song, did you feel the emotions in real time too? Music is amazing in that way-it can take us right back to the memories as if it’s happening for the first time.

Working in the areas of trauma, grief, and attachment-I am often supporting people through unimaginable and indescribable life experiences. Due to the nature of the experiences, the emotions attached to them are often hard to find words to describe them. Somehow though, music can fill that gap. That gap between knowing with your whole body how you feel but at the same time knowing the words available fall short to truly paint the picture.

Music not only helps us feel connected to our emotions, but it can help us to regulate them too. Research on music therapy has shown that music can help with depression, anxiety, and trauma symptoms. Music can also make us feel closer to ourselves and to others. Have you ever been in a room full of people and a song comes on and everyone knows the words? Music helps us access our emotions, regulate them, and to not feel alone in them.

That being said, I think it’s often overlooked or missed as a coping mechanism. Music interacts with our nervous system, impacting our breath pattern and even heart rate. When we listen to music mindfully, or with our full attention-these changes can be observed. Listening to music actively or mindfully (this means really really paying attention to the words, beat, instruments, and also your body’s reaction) supports regulation of the nervous system.

It’s also important to note that some music (even the music we say is our favorite) can be activating to our nervous system- perpetuating moods like anger/irritability. This is where you come in as the expert as the dj to your own playlist. The better we know our mental health and our body’s reaction to music- the better we can select which tracks we should hear depending on our emotional state.

What does today’s message mean? Music is a powerful tool to support our mental health. Music influences the nervous system in both regulating and dysregulating ways. To best use it as a coping mechanism, we benefit from knowing ourselves, our emotions, and our nervous system. And finally, taking the time to truly mindfully listen to music is different from being autopilot. The more we can attune to the music, the more we can also attune to our body and how it responds to what we listen to.

In addition to the exercise above, here are some questions to support you building the playlist for your mental health.

What emotions are tied to the music I most frequently listen to?

How do I feel after I listen to the music I most frequently listen to?

Do I tend to listen to music when in certain moods and not others? If so, what do I think contributes to me listening to music.

Where are areas of my life/routine that I could incorporate listening to music mindfully?

Be mindful, lead with love, and don’t forget to listen.

Dr. C