Calling Ourselves Out
Today Dr. Cunningham calls out how anxiety can cause strain in our relationships. She discusses self-protection and the need to fight when anxiety is present. She asks readers to reflect on their processing of anxiety and purposes to see loving and safe relationships as support, rather than opponents.
Now, before we even get started today, talking about our own human tendencies can be tough and often triggers defensiveness. As you read today’s message, remind yourself that you are human. To my clients-I know you are rolling your eyes because I say this frequently, but it is always worth repeating. Welcome to being human.
When we experience anxiety, a common response is to further protect ourselves. Unfortunately, we often do that by yelling, rudeness, and spewing hurtful comments. Other times we can totally ice out the other persons involved, giving doses of the silent treatment. Because our own nervous system senses it’s under attack, we go to battle. This not only reinforces and strengthens are anxiety, but it’s not so great for our relationships either.
One part of being human that seems to show up for most (if not all) of us-is that we can so quickly forget our loved ones are on our side when anxiety is activated. This intensifies even more so when we’ve experienced relationships that mishandled our emotional safety. When anxiety is present, we often feel we are on our own-even if we are in currently in safe relationships.
Today’s message was titled, “Calling Ourselves Out,” and here is my pitch for accountability. Our emotion regulation and our meaningful relationships benefit immensely when we can feel tough stuff without turning against one another. I know, I know, -easier said than done Dr. C. That’s true, it isn’t easy-but it is worth it. In the midst of safe relationships-the more we can learn our triggers, challenge ourselves to anchor back to the present moment, and hold in mind we are safe-the better not only our regulation but our relationships. Being able to come alongside and process a tough emotion as a team, rather than opponents, strengthens intimacy, trust, and most importantly safety.
So, today I ask-is this something to call yourself on? Do you find yourself turning to battle even in the midst of safety? Are you willing to work on catching it in the moment? If so, here are some reflective prompts to guide this work. As you do, maybe I’ll annoyingly be in your head saying “Welcome to being human.”
What triggers my anxiety?
How do I respond to my loved ones when I’m anxious?
What would it be like to feel anxious with my loved ones’ support, rather than pushing them away to self-protect?
Be mindful, lead with love, and don’t forget to listen.
Dr. C