Do You know you?

Biases are important. They absolutely influence perspective. So, let me claim mine here at the start. I am a psychologist that is heavily influenced by attachment theory, research, and clinical practice. That is-I believe relationships are critically important in any conversation about mental health. Now that that is out of the way, let’s proceed. But also- keep this whole biases thing in mind as we continue………

A big component of my approach to therapy is focusing on the relationship with the self. I’ve never quite understood how symptoms of depression, grief, anxiety, or trauma could be assessed and treated without attachment as a core component of that process. A lot of mental health treatments focus on investigating and changing thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. How can we talk about changing thought patterns, challenging beliefs, or building new habits if we don’t know the quality and history of the relationship within? Even more-so if we are totally disconnected with ourselves? Our relationships impact our reactions, perspectives, and how we regulate. How can we work on any of those things if we don’t first learn about the relationship with them?

It is not uncommon for people to struggle with answering questions about their relationship with themselves. We live in a world that offers lots of ways to distract us from spending time with ourselves. Distraction is an effective strategy (watch out-effective does not equal healthy) to avoid all of the thoughts and feelings we’ve accumulated throughout life. Although our brain and body have been present for all of our life experiences, we can live life completely severed from building a relationship with our internal self. What’s even more interesting, is the fact that we can be so unfamiliar with the internal self-while still letting that internal self run havoc on our lives. That internal self can engage in negative self-talk, create self-doubt, hate, and total disdain for ourselves; and is capable of creating entire narratives about our self or the world without a single ounce of objective data. For a part of us that is so influential on our mental health- it seems it would be a good use of time and resources to get to know us a little better, no?

As with any relationship, the relationship with ourselves needs time, prioritization, and investment. Also like any other relationship, work with the internal self requires consistency, vulnerability, and honesty (just to name a few). It can be a daunting and overwhelming task to even think about, let alone to sign up to do it repetitively.

Here is a reminder that often what we need is very different from what we want. If you are feeling overwhelmed at the idea of getting to know yourself, perhaps that is a good place to begin. I highly recommend leading with curiosity and responding to whatever comes up with grace. The cool thing is (insert nerd alert-I understand cool is a very subjective descriptor and you may be reading this thinking “Dr. C, nothing about this sounds cool.”) the more you do this work, the more magic happens. It is truly incredible how improving our relationship with ourselves can and does spill over into our lives (Remember those things above? I’m talking about those-our self-talk, our reactions, our ability to regulate-those things!). Today, I invite you to consider where in your life you can start carving out some time for you to get to know you.

Starter reflective questions:

How did I feel reading about this?

What do I feel inside when I think about my relationship with myself?

How would I describe my relationship with myself?

What comes to mind when I think about what has influenced how I talk to myself?

Be mindful, lead with love, and don’t forget to listen.

Dr. Cunningham

Do you have a relationship with your mental health?

As a clinical psychologist, I can appreciate how the internet/social media has aided in increasing awareness and knowledge of mental health. With a quick search, you can learn about symptoms, diagnoses, and treatment plans for any mental health condition. While this is great, it isn’t sufficient and often gets in the way of what is most important in my opinion.

And what is my opinion exactly? That- understanding, identifying, and labeling how we feel, think, and behave is only a part of taking care of our mental health. Another part, (which I am biased to believe is the most important part); is establishing a relationship with our mental health. Pause here-have you ever asked yourself that question? “What is my relationship with my mental health?”

In the midst of information overload, I often see high levels of intellectualization of mental health content and deficits in the development of a personalized relationship. Clients, people in my personal life, as well as myself (yes, me too- spoiler-a PhD does not make your void of being a human) can fall into this trap. We can have so many facts and terms regarding mental health and still carry very high levels of avoidance and suppression with our emotions. It’s one thing to rattle off diagnoses and symptoms, it’s a whole other thing to know them for yourself intimately.

My background is rooted strongly in attachment. I fiercely believe that our mental health is a direct reflection of the relationships in our lives, including; our relationship with others and our relationship with ourself. Part of that relationship with the self-is the relationship we each have with our emotions. Our attachments from childhood often are the blueprint for this relationship. How we were responded to by our caregivers is the very data our nervous system uses to learn overtime how we respond to ourself. This is fascinating and at the same time can be overwhelming to untangle.

Back to the question at hand: “Do you have a relationship with your mental health?” Maybe, maybe not. Either way-I invite you to engage in a reflective exercise (come on, give it a try). Think about the range of emotions we can experience and pick a few (perhaps anger, sadness, fear, and embarrassment).

Spend some time with each one and reflect on these questions:

What do I feel when this emotion comes up?

How do I respond to this emotion?

Is this an emotion I suppress?

How does this emotion make me feel about myself?

Be mindful, lead with love, & don’t forget to listen.

Dr. Cunningham