Anger: Protection at the risk of collateral damage

Set the stage with me. We’ve all been there. When what we had in mind for a conversation, well; the exact opposite happened. Although there was every intention to keep our cool, stay level-headed, and communicate the way we practiced in our head…..the interaction brought out something entirely different.

As frustrating and disappointing as this is when it happens, it’s human. Interactions that involve tension, aggression, and intensity can make it difficult to stay regulated. Not to mention if the relationship has preexisting trauma within it. If that’s the case, anger can be sitting right beneath the surface, on-call, and ready to jump in at a moment’s notice. Our nervous system works so hard to take care of us. Even if it is at the risk of damaging our relationships. How exactly does our nervous system protect us in these difficult interactions? Anger. And don’t get me wrong- you may be thinking to yourself “Well, don’t I deserve to get angry?” or “Dr. C if you knew what they did you’d be mad too!” Of course you deserve to feel anger. Today’s conversation isn’t about that empowering anger that fuels us to stand up for ourselves-no, no, no-today we are talking about the anger that gets the best of us and results in hurting the people we love.

It all happens so fast. The calm and collected version of ourselves is so quickly replaced by yelling, rudeness, and overall defensiveness. This is the part where I repeat, we’ve all been there-to remind both myself and you that this happens. I know I need the reminder because it can feel icky to acknowledge that part of myself.

So what flips the switch? How can something go so differently than how we intended it to go? Typically the answer is anger. Anger is interesting…..fascinating really. It’s an expressive emotion-it takes up space and is accompanied by notable behaviors. Take a moment here to think about how you display your anger. Does it show up in your tone? Body language? Criticism? The thing is though, when it comes to anger-what we see on the outside is often covering up what is happening on the inside. Anger you see, is referred to as a secondary emotion. Secondary emotions show up as a result of feeling something else first (the ones that come first are called primary emotions). Now remember, I said this all happens so fast. When we get angry-we just feel angry-we don’t always realize that it’s coming out because we are first internally feeling something more vulnerable.

What are some of the more vulnerable emotions that anger comes to protect? I’m glad you asked: sadness, worry, fear, disappointment, loss, and discouragement to name a few. All of these emotions, by the way, can and do occur in our meaningful relationships with the people we love.  Today also isn’t about solving it. We will tackle that in a later blog. Mostly because we cannot tackle something we don’t know or recognize. So, today is about getting to know the anger that shows up with your loved ones.

If it feels safe enough to do so, return back to that stage you set at the start of this. Here are some starter reflections to support you getting to know your anger. With increased awareness and understanding-we can then start to problem-solve how to allow that anger to be felt while minimizing collateral damage to those we love.

In what relationships does my anger come out?

Can I identify the underlying (primary) emotions involved (remember-things like fear, sadness, disappointment, loss)?

How do I show my anger toward others?

What is my own comfort with feeling vulnerable?

 Be mindful, lead with love, and don’t forget to listen.

 Dr. Cunningham